"Who could I speak to without being judged or blamed?"
I was in J1, not 17 yet. Dated this guy (yeah i know, all the talks about not dating before going to uni). Basically forced himself onto me at school (well, the place that was supposed to be safe). When it happened, I cried and pleaded to him not to do that, and that if he really care / loved me, he won't do that to me (of course now i think back, he only cared about himself). I didn't dare to shout or make noise, and it just happened. I couldn't tell anyone, I was so afraid of what people may think of me, I was scared my parents will kill me, my friends will leave me etc... so I kept quiet. I didn't know what to do other than continue the r/s with him. I had this mindset that it was supposed to be with the person I marry, and that when it happened, initially i thought that the only way to go was to stick it out with him. I also felt guilty that it has happened to me. I don't know why I felt guilty? I think I may have thought that I did something to cause that? I am not sure....
After it happened, I was basically an object to satisfy his lust. Almost everyday I see him and it is possible to do it, he will do that to me, or he will touch me inappropriately outside. Even when I'm sick or on my period. He just wants.... I didn't know what to do except to do as I was told. I had no one to confide to or talk to. Who could I speak to without being judged or blamed?
6 months down, i couldn't take it and finally wants a break up. The break up was awful. He basically didn't allow me to do that, and he even climbed to the second floor from the corridor where my room is (I used to stay in a corridor HDB maisonette) to my window late at night. Luckily, my window was locked, if not, i don't know what will happen. I knew because there was a note thrown in and when confronted, he claims that he wouldn't have come in even if the window was not locked. I was so scared and there were other things that he had done that was stalker-ish but I don't remember anymore. It stopped until a good guy friend of mine (who didn't know what happened, other than I want to break up and the guy is being crazy) spoke to him and the guy stopped pestering me and I had a relatively peaceful until I finished my A level exams. (To date I don't know what did my good friend say to him.)
Sometime in between the break up and before my A levels, I finally told a relative of mine - she said that I,myself wanted that to do it and that now it happened and I broke up with him, I was just trying to find an excuse. She doesn't know how much that have killed me inside, and how it prevented me from telling anyone else.
His horror doesn't end here. A level finished and it was time to collect the exam slip. I didn't go to collect the results, my mum did. And guess what he did? He went to talk to my mum (she didn't know him at all) and tried to find out why I wasn't there. Then he went around telling people that, I must have not gone to collect my result slip because I was scared that my grades were bad and basically made it sound that I had bad grades/life after I left him. When I heard it, I was mortified. I mean, my closer friends told me about it, but I can't imagine what those people who I am not close to must have thought about me. Basically to them, I am a loser who didn't collect my results because I was scared I did badly.
Then the time to select university. Somehow word got to him that I was going to an overseas university and he send me text messages to scold me. Said I was just going overseas to escape my problems etc and all.... I confronted him about whatever he did, and his reply was something along the line that "I was going to be with you all the way." ..................It's not the point but I guess psychos like him will never understand.....................After the confrontation happened, I finally broke down, and I couldn't take it. (by now it has been two years.) I confided with the same friend that helped me resolve the break up, and I was glad my friend understood and tried to console me and make me feel better. But the damage is already done....In my first two years at uni, I was so afraid that he may come to the same school as I am after he finishes his NS.
Is that all? No. Some time in the mid of my uni days, an acquaintance came to approach me and asked if I knew this guy. I said yes, and asked why. The acquaintance, who happened to be his army mate, only said that he said a lot of bad things about me and the acquaintance wonder if it is true. I asked the acquaintance to tell me what he has said to him. But the acquaintance refused to say. I think it must be damn bad, so much so that an acquaintance of mine will come to verify the truth. I told the acquaintance about dating him, and the break up and what he did and done after the break up and asked the acquaintance to judge for himself. I never heard from the acquaintance again, and I never knew what was said.
It was just never ending trauma to me. For years I had low self esteem. Before the incident, I used to be bubbly, and pretty popular, but over the years, I became quite oddly reserved and introvert, and somewhere insanely picky about certain things. I recognised that I had issues and tried to fight it with reading a lot of self-help books, hoping to get over it. I think I made peace with most of the issues now, but I still lived in fear of him, in such a way that even till now (10 years has passed), I still get nightmares about him once a while. Till now I am scared to bump to him on the streets. Whatever happens still haunts me now and then. And I never told any of my close girls friends to date. I just don't know how to say it. It also wrecked potential relationships of mine because there were just so many guys who cared whether a girl is a virgin or not.
Now that I am much older, I finally have met a guy who doesn't mind whatever that has happened and is genuinely kind to me. But the damage actually is still there to a certain extent. There was once quite soon after dating my bf, I broke down after a nightmare about him and had to tell my bf what happened. Well, on the bright side of things, my bf stayed with me after knowing all these, and didn't leave me like those potential, showed me that my bf was serious. The hurt, the trauma.. i don't know, it is just difficult to make them to go all away. It is also so difficult to tell anyone else, or even try to open my mouth to tell anyone else. I mean, my close girl friends are not even aware of the issues. Well, there is even a couple of them who are still FB friends with him and I was like mortified to know that he could still see what is going on in my life given that he will be able to see the posts from them with me.But till date, I don't know how to tell them....